It’s been a long time.
I find myself thinking a lot about blogging, but now that the chips have married, there really isn’t blog fodder to be had…unless you want to hear about how one of my cats likes to play fetch, or how another one wakes me up every morning licking my finger, or how we have to dig out cat toys from under the stove on a weekly basis.
Nahhh…I didn’t think you wanted to hear all about that.
What I have been thinking a lot about lately is death. Specifically my own.
Ever since I can remember I’ve been obsessed with my own death, and how much I DON’T. want. to. die. I enjoy life way to much.
I’d make these little prayers to God.
~~God, I don’t want to die till I get boobs. Please don’t let me die till then~~
~~God, I don’t want to die till I have sex. Please don’t let me die till then~~
~~God, I don’t want to die till I have kids. Please don’t let me die till then~~
~~God, I don’t want to die till I have grandchildren. Please don’t let me die till then~~
And while I was busy getting boobs, having sex, children and then grandchildren I wasn’t really doing much else. Looking forward to the next “thing”, to the next meal, the next Snickers bar, the next new show on TV, the next stage in my kiddos lives, because even though I really enjoy those things, sitting around waiting for them to happen really isn’t “living”.
It is my own fault. Because of the choices I made, I gained lots of weight. I’ve just been existing and looking forward to the next thing, but what IS the next thing? I’ve got the boobs, the sex, the children, and the grandchildren…so…death? I don’t want to sit and wait around for death to occur. I happen to enjoy breathing, and laughing, and eating and sleeping and playing fetch with my silly cat.
This past fall, when I went to the ER and my blood pressure was 215/160 it began to really sink in.
So now it’s ~~God, I don’t want to die till I LIVE. Please don’t let me die till then~~
To be able to live life…to the fullest extent I can, the first thing on my list is to loose some weight…a whole stinkin’ lot of weight. I found a program that is not only helping me loose the weight, but get healthy in the process. I’ve lost 53 pounds so far and am feeling so much better.
I’ve not just lost weight, I’ve gained things too. I’ve gained energy. I’ve gained joy. I’ve gained health. I’ve been able to lower my blood pressure meds. I’ve gone to my granddaughters T-ball games. I’ve worked in my yard. Something that I haven’t done in a good 7-8 years, and that is just after 53 pounds gone!
So here is the part that I haven’t wanted to really share with anyone.
You see when you tell someone your “dieting” or trying to loose a few extra pounds there is an expectation. When the expectation isn’t met in other peoples minds you can see it on their face and you begin to feel like a failure.
So…this is me…at my girls wedding. The heaviest I have ever been.
I’m not a failure.
I’m on a journey. I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m determined…DETERMINED that I will get there, and along the way I’m learning how to live life to the fullest I can.