April 9

Or a good working title would be There and Back Again by Chocolatechic

The summer of 2010 started out just lovely.

The boy got married.

His wife got pregnant.

The girl turned 18 and it was her Senior year. I was excited for all these things and what they meant, but a week after the girl turned 18, she packed some of her clothes, told me she quit school and left.

I had no idea where she was and for the next month I was beyond worried sick. I can not begin to tell you the hell I went through. I didn’t hear from her for some time, or even know where she was. A few weeks before Christmas she came home.

During this time I also didn’t hear from the boy.  I knew that I would now be put on the back burner because he had a family that needed to come first, as it should be.  I emailed him and texted him. He responded every once in awhile, but  I did not expect to be ignored so completely.

Then in January, the girl went to spend a few weeks with my parents….and didn’t come home.

I was asked not to contact her in any way.

Family talked about me behind my back. Cruel things were written about me on Facebook and were laughed about.

I didn’t see/hear from the boy but about once a month for 5-10 minutes when he would drop off a car payment.

The ONLY thing that got me out of my bed in the morning was my job, and on the weekends I didn’t even bother.  Why should I.   The very people that I had given my heart and being to for the last 20 years walked away without a look back.

I just stopped.

I stopped sewing.

I stopped knitting.

I stopped sleeping.

I stopped blogging.

I stopped reading.

I stopped cooking and baking.

I put my camera away.

I didn’t eat chocolate for months and I stopped going to church.

All this time, Superman was my rock, but even he didn’t know the extent of the torment I was going through.  No one did.   He didn’t know that I cried myself to the point of being sick every morning after he left. He didn’t know I wasn’t sleeping,  he wasn’t aware of just how low I had sunk. My therapist got me some anti-depressants and that kept me functioning.

When we didn’t hear from the chips on Mother’s day OR Father’s Day, Superman broke. I had seen him sad during this time and even upset on my behalf, but I had never seen him so angry. He decided that we were going to move and for the first time in my life I actually looked forward to moving. We considered Texas or North Dakota. There were 2 things that kept us here. 1. Because of the housing situation, our house wouldn’t have sold, and 2. we hoped that at some point we would be able to have some sort of a relationship with our granddaughter.

Finally around the end of Summer, I had a long talk with the boy. He told me some things that he was feeling that I had no idea about, and I shared some things he had no idea about, and I thought that our relationship would begin to mend.

At Christmas time, the girl came home for a month, and we had a good time together. I begged her to come home, but I didn’t think she would.  In February she did.  Things with her are improving every day.

Just last week I quit my job.

I have been putting a lot of energy into the girl and my relationship and I wasn’t seeing Superman hardly at all. Family is more important than money, so I quit.

Things are beginning to look up.   I’m beginning to look up.   My heart still has a long way to go before it will smile again, but I’m getting better every day.

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chocolatechic

Just an average wife, mother, and homeschooling woman

13 thoughts on “April 9”

  1. Wow. I’m struggling to hold back tears. I am truly so deeply sorry that you and your family have been going through so much. My heart goes out to you. I can imagine the pain you must be going through and am happy to see that things are getting better and that Superman has been by your side through this ordeal. I send a virtual hug to you and hope that your relationship with your children continue to improve.

  2. I’m with Mangiodasola… I feel so much for you!

    Let me tell you… You have lived my nightmare and frankly, any parent’s nightmare if they’re a parent that gives a damn (sorry for the language.) We pour our heart and soul into these kids and into our relationships, husbands included, and then to be disowned/disregarded without as much as the slightest explanation… Well, it’s heartbreaking and you absolutely had/have every right to feel and react as you did.

    I am so pleased that you shared this with your readers. I hope that you will keep writing and looking to your blog and the people that care for you for support and insight. Speaking for myself, I am happy to help you in any way possible.

    I adore my boys and I would absolutely do anything for them. However… I draw the line at disrespect. I will not tolerate it. And I don’t tolerate it so much to have an impact on them… I don’t tolerate purely as a way of STICKING UP FOR MYSELF. And that’s what you, my dear, must also learn to do. You are WORTHY of their respect as well as their love. You must NEVER beg the girl to move home, nor beg the boy to allow you to have a relationship with him or your granddaughter. In my opinion, y/our children should WORK their butts off to maintain an adult relationship with (us) their parents. If they see no value in knowing us past everything we were/are able to do for them, then as difficult as it is (and I know it’s a killer!) you (we) must let them go. T

    hey can try all they want to replace us, but in the end they will learn what we (mature/reasonable adults) all know, and that is NO MATTER WHAT, your parents are the ONLY people that will love you like no other. Your son may invite all the friends, in-law’s and wives into his life he wants, but he will wait forever to have someone offer to co-sign for a car/buy him a car or to emotionally support him the way you and Mr. CC do. Same goes for your girl – she can pack up and travel the world and not find anyone to love her the way her mother loves her.

    If you can stand a little personal advice, I will tell you this. Take care of yourself FIRST. Our children will be who they want to be, do what they want to do and go where they want to go whether we are happy, sad, thin, weigh 300 pounds, cry, don’t cry, sleep soundly or pace the floors all night, take medication or don’t take medication. So let them go do their thing while you take care of YOUR thing.

    Fill your time/life with things you enjoy. Make a schedule to spring out of bed each morning, clap your hands in thanksgiving for a new day and then go for a 5+ mile walk – or a bike ride, or to an aqua aerobics class at your local YMCA. Come home refreshed, have a light bite to eat and continue moving in your housework and meals prep – Do none of these things for your daughter who is now at home again, but only for yourself and Superman. After dinner, go for another walk, do some laundry, read, or sew but do these things WITHOUT entertaining anyone else but yourself. The more you ADD into your life that revolves ONLY around Y-O-U, the less you will need or have time for T-H-E-M!

    I took my own advice two years ago after our youngest delivered some disappointment of his own. I knew tearing myself up wouldn’t prevent him from going down a road he INSISTED on going so I turned all the energy I would have LOVED to focus on him onto myself. Today, I am down 110 pounds, I feel better, I look better and I’m proud of myself for finally putting ME at the top of MY list. I know I am not at the top of either of my son’s lists – and that is okay – as it should be. The only thing I did wrong was EXPECTING to be at the top of other people’s lists. Our son is fine today – not where I would like him to be, but I learned a long time ago that the way I treated my parents is not the way I should expect to be treated as a parent and that my dreams for my children cannot be their dreams. It would be NICE if they were, but the truth is, our kids must live and learn their own way through this life. Does that reality hurt, you bet! But you must refuse to allow it to put you into an early grave!

    We cannot be expected to be compensated by anyone for our efforts. You did I like did – we raised Princes and (you) raised a Princess – we taught them to be independent and strong-willed. The only thing we didn’t expect was for them to use their strong will against us!

    Exactly nineteen years ago this month a therapist we were seeing as a family (for trouble our youngest was having behaving in pre-school) taught me the importance of boundaries – she said I deserved to be treated well and that the only person who could enforce that policy was ME. So she told me to get in touch with my boundary system – The boundaries that are: sexual, spiritual/religious and physical (personal-space) boundaries. She said it is okay to tell a man NO with regard to ANY unwanted sexual advance he might make, no matter how slight or overt, okay to stand up for what I believe in with regard to my religious beliefs (not agreeing with abortion, or some other sin while in the company of people that do not believe as I do) and to demand that no one “get in my face” to invade my personal physical boundary. She also told me that if I know my heart is clean, meaning, if I know I have done nothing to offend a person and that person lashes out at me or treats me badly in some other way, then I must ASSUME THAT THEIR BEHAVIOR AND/OR RESPONSE TO ME IS MORE ABOUT THEM THAN IT IS ABOUT ME and that I must NOT waste one moment of my precious life trying to figure out what I might have done or how I might fix whatever it is bothering them. I’m telling you, CC, I am now 46 years old and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about or put that advice into practice.

    If I may invite you to know one more thing… I’ll tell you this… Your relationship with your children will NEVER be as good as it can be/is when THEY initiate the contact with you. Fill your time with YOU and you will find there is very little time left for THEM – when they do come around seeking that little slice of you that is reserved for them, your time together will be much sweeter. Do not try so hard with the girl (or the boy) – I am so confident neither of them has ANY reason to disregard you as fully as they did. Perhaps they are not there yet, but one day they will realize their BEST friend has always been and will always be, their mother!

    My heart breaks for you – I know exactly where your pain lives. Please do yourself a favor, get off the anti-depressants and exchange them for the decision to make an investment in yourself each and every day. Take it hour by hour if you must, but you will get there!

    You are such a loving, decent, generous soul. I am sorry that the people you love most in this world took advantage of that. I don’t know you, but I know as a mother, you deserve better. Now, would you please go to the nearest mirror and tell my friend you know she deserves better too!

    Much love,

    Janet
    xo

    PS – The girl is LUCKY you let her back in! Please remember that it is okay not to the next time she decides to trample on your heart. You are not obligated to operate a revolving door that functions on her moods. Do not be a slave to what others say or think of you. Know that you are valuable and NEVER deserving of being cut out of ANYone’s life. Your children must mature to a point where they use discussion and compassion instead of the dagger of exclusion from their lives. I almost feel sorrier for them than I do for you.

  3. I backed away, sensing you needed time and space. What I should have done was try harder to reach out to you. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you. My love and hugs to you and a hope that your skies are clear and blue. ❤

  4. Oh.my.goodness. I had no idea. And your family was nasty to you on FB? Terrible.

    Sounds like there is a lot more to the story, but I am glad you are sharing a little.

    So many families are hurting these days. Adult children are going their own ways after parents have spent time and energy raising them and then they turn 18 and they are gone. Ask me how I know….

    Sending some love your way, even though you don’t know me!

  5. Sending love and hugs your way. You have many people who are here for you, as the song says; “Just call my name and I’ll be there!”

  6. I can only begin to imagine a small part of the pain you have felt over the last while, but through this blog you have made friends from all over who love you and pray for you. I will continue to pray that your relationships continue to heal; that you continue to heal.

  7. I know we’ve never met, but you’ve come to mind (and therefore prayers) often in the past few months. So glad to hear that hearts are healing and it’s good to “hear from you” again. May God bless you as you all babystep through your days!

  8. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with all these issues. I find myself in a similar situation and it’s hard. I invested alot of myself to raising my children and also opening my home to a young man from a terribly dysfunctional family. Helped them all to go to college and worked hard for years to get that young man to trust again. Imagine my shock and surprise when he shut us out and has had no contact with the family who gave him shelter, food, encouragement. I am beyond confused about what happened and it’s clear I won’t get any explanations (or thank yous) from him and so I must pick up and move on and find a way to be OK with how everything has turned out.

    JC Bridge has given good advice. We gave freely of our love and caring but in my case I lost sight of the fact that it should be given without the expectation of getting anything in return. It doesn’t make sense to me but that’s the deal. Like I said, I’m still confused. You must be there for yourself and nurture yourself in the same way you nurtured your children. And like JC said, lines must be drawn.

    I thank you for everything you have done for us in the blogging world. Your personality shines through. And WOO HOO for quitting your job. I quit mine too! Life’s too short and I’m too old to deal with corporate nonsense.

    You Go Girl

  9. Oh Tanya,
    I am so very sorry. I was catching up with my old friends blogs in prep for our challenge tomorrow and I didn’t have to go back too many posts to find this one. My heart breaks for you. And dear sister, I can tell you that I have felt that unbelievable pain from my child. I understand what it is like to cry uncontrollably for days. I understand what it is like to not to be able to get out of bed in the morning. I understand what it is like to be abandoned by your family. We have had some heartbreaking troubles of our own this past year. We have made progress but it is not easy. I am still very scared for the future. And it is often through my internet friends that I have made it through another day. I will be praying for you friend.

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